


Death and Taxes III: Afterlife Jamboree

by bellatemple



Series: Death and Taxes [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Non-Traditional Structure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-06
Updated: 2010-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-26 22:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellatemple/pseuds/bellatemple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HEAVEN ON THE BRINK OF MORAL BANKRUPTCY (press releases from and around the House Committee on Brains and Means afterlife care hearings, February 5, 2011)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death and Taxes III: Afterlife Jamboree

**Author's Note:**

> Third installment of the [Death and Taxes series](http://bellatemple.livejournal.com/tag/fic:%20death%20and%20taxes%20series). I can only blame this one on the fact that I spent much of the week working with Obama's 2011 Budget Proposal.

  
**Congressional News Release**   


Contact: Gustav von Wangenheim, (202) 555-0603

 **  
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   
**

  
**HEAVEN ON THE BRINK OF MORAL BANKRUPTCY**   
_CFO Zachariah Pleads With Supernatural Congress for Bail-Out, Claiming Heaven is "Too Big to Fail"_

February 5, 2010

 **WASHINGTON, D.C.** \-- Zachariah, the Chief Financial Officer of one of the afterlife's leading organizations, stood before the Supernatural House of Representatives Committee on Brains and Means today to request a share of the 700 billion braincell stimulus package for Heaven, to pay off debt and shore up the shrinking ranks of the organization's citizen outreach and security programs.

"For the last 6,000 years," said Zachariah, "Heaven has provided humanity with a safe, secure, and above all exclusive home after their departure from this world. America has been one of our premiere clients for over 200 years. If Heaven were to fail now, it would create a domino effect that would trickle right down onto Main Street. And I don't think anyone wants that to happen."

When asked what Heaven would do with the stimulus package, Zachariah cited larger ranks of vessels for Heaven's garrison, which serves as security for both the gates of Heaven and its planned expansion project, as well as putting funds towards those humans who've worked so hard to support the cause.

"With your help," he said, "I know we can make sure that 'On Earth as it is in Heaven' need not be an empty promise."

Critics of Heaven accused Zachariah of plotting to remove the organization's main competition, Hell, from the running, thereby establishing a monopoly on the souls of mankind. Zachariah called such allegations "preposterous", pointing out the great number of other options available to "sinners" and "heathens" in the free afterlife market. "We have no desire to be America's only choice in afterlife care," he said. "If nothing else we don't have the room. We only want to remain the most important.

"America has been very good to Heaven," he concluded. "Your leaders, your money, and your pledges to your flag all place your faith and trust in our CEO. With your help, Heaven will continue to provide the highest quality in afterlife care to every true believing citizen."

Full text of Zachariah's testimony may be be found [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEDiSrERfCs&feature=related).

Congress is expected to reach a decision regarding Heaven's bail-out request as soon as they finish catching up from their monthly full moon recess.

* * *

From the Associated Supernatural Press

  
**  
Former Heaven Staff Member to Release Tell-All Book   
**

February 5, 2010

Castiel, former member of Heaven's Slightly-Less-Mysterious Ways Division, has signed a contract to release a "tell-all" book regarding his time working in Heaven. Tentatively titled "Rogue Angel: My Not-Quite Fall from Grace and What It Means for Humanity", the book will reputedly expose the depth of corruption within Heaven's ranks, leading all the way up to Chief Financial Officer Zachariah, and examine the effect of the CEO's absenteeism on the general management of the organization. Although previously all but unknown to the public, Castiel claims to have been instrumental in the early stages of a plan he reports will lead to the eventual eradication of the human race in order to remove Hell as their chief rival in providing afterlife care. Critics of Castiel are already citing his support of Sam and Dean Winchester, known supernatural tax evaders and co-founders of fledgling special interest lobby Team Free Will (TFW), as evidence of his ill-repute. They also deride him for timing the news of his book's imminent release in order to draw attention away from the proceedings regarding bail-out funds for America's leading afterlife providers and legislation for afterlife care reform. Neither Castiel nor either of his two TFW co-founders has released any response to this criticism.

* * *

 **The United States Department of Supernatural Justice**  


 **  
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   
**

  
**Special Interest Lobbyist to Be Tried for Supernatural Tax Evasion**   
_Samuel Winchester, Co-Founder of Team Free Will, Subpoenaed to Appear Before Supernatural Tax Court to Answer for 32 Years of Unfiled Tax Returns_

February 5, 2010

LAWRENCE, KS -- The Justice Department and the Internal Revenue Department, Dead Claims Division, have filed for a subpoena to bring Samuel Winchester, a notorious member of the American supernatural community, to appear before the District Court in the Lawrence, Kansas and answer for delinquent payment of the "Braaaaaaaiiiiins Tax".

Sources within the government allege that Sam Winchester was killed by as of yet unknown supernatural entities outside Lawrence, Kansas in or around June of 1978, then proceeded to flee the vicinity, not to resurface for nearly five years. Under Supernatural Tax Law, Sam Winchester now owes 10,066% of his gray matter to the Federal Government. Sam Winchester's authorized representative, former Heaven staff member Castiel, argues that Sam Winchester does not owe the taxes due to the fact that the alleged death occurred several years before Sam Winchester's birth. Last year, Castiel successfully argued to waive taxes owed by Sam Winchester's older brother, Dean.

Sam Winchester's trial is scheduled for January 24, 2011.

* * *

 **FROM THE OFFICES OF THE HONORABLE MAX SCHRECK**

 **  
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   
**

  
**DAFBAT Continues Demands Support for S.S. 1928**

 **February 5, 2010**

Doctor Henrik Galeen, Executive Vice President of Dead Americans for a Better After-Tomorrow (DAFBAT), gave testimony before the Supernatural Senate Committee on Grey Matter today, advocating for bipartisan support of S.S 1928, the Public Afterlife Option Bill. He cited the rapid inflation of indulgences from Heaven as a primary reason for the large number of uninsured dead Americans currently haunting graveyards and houses around the country. "Uninsured citizens without government support," he claimed, "are more than three times more likely to become vengeful spirits. If we don't catch these lingering spirits early with preventative afterlife care, crossing them over only becomes more time consuming and costly, both in brain matter and in valuable salt and fire. Many of the problems facing dead Americans today can be traced to a centuries old stigma placed on them in no small part because of uninsured spirits lingering in place long after their ability to cope with reality in a reasonable and non-murderous fashion has been compromised. A Public Afterlife Option would eliminate the need for lingering for thousands of dead Americans, while those who can afford the lofty indulgences of Heaven and similar afterlife care programs are free to continue to reap the benefits therefrom."

As usual, S.S. 1928 was faced with stringent opposition from the Monasteriense Party, especially Senator Frank Murnau (M-KS), who threatened to filibuster if the bill were brought to vote. Phasmatis party leaders cried foul play. Senator Murnau, a well-known and well-respected member of the Undead American community, has no need for either water or sleep, and as such, could potentially hold the Senate floor indefinitely. Senator Ruth Landshoff (P-WY), the original author of the bill and ranking member of the Committee on Grey Matter for more than 176 years, was not present to comment, after last month's devastating incident involving a hunter and a lobbyist for Hell. Supporters of the bill hope to bring it to vote upon her return from banishment.

* * *

 **Congressional News Release**

Contact: Gustav von Wangenheim, (202) 555-0603

 **  
For Immediate Release   
**

  
**Hell a No-Show in House Committee Hearings**

February 5, 2010

Representative's from Hell, America's largest afterlife care provider, missed yet another appointment to testify before the House Committee on Brains and Means this afternoon, citing lack of transportation due to inclement weather and sub-zero temperatures. Their testimony has been rescheduled, when the representatives hope to be able to speak to the HCBM via live satellite link from their offices in Detroit, Michigan.

# # #


End file.
